Hormone Cycles and Dating — The Sexy Truth
Where’s my megaphone? Ahem… HORMONES RULE OUR DATING LIVES.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s explore this.
This is a passionate topic for me because it’s something that, if you haven’t considered it before, will literally change your dating brain, especially if you date women (or are one). Once I figured how my body operates, I completely changed the way I approached dating new people and how I set boundaries, or gave myself grace for certain situations.
I’m talking about PMS, yes… but I’m also talking about the high hormonal time after a woman’s period has ended where her body is ovulating and is begging her to try and make babies. The great thing about our current societal landscape is, you don’t have to make babies. You can just use those sexy hormones to get your flirt on when it feels really, really good.
Strangely, an alarming number of men and women I’ve chatted with — some well into their 30’s or 40’s — perk up quite a bit when I explain my hormone cycles and why it determines my level of interest and enjoyment for physical intimacy. They know about PMS, sure, don’t we all — in some vague, emotional she-monster way — but what I like to talk about is not the negative framing aspect of the cycle, but the extraordinarily positive aspect of that sweet, delicious time when women want physical intimacy more, enjoy it more and feel their absolute sexiest.
The first part of this is getting a little refresher about a typical menstrual cycle period, how long each phase lasts, and then — ladies, listen up — tracking your moods and symptoms with some sort of period tracker. Most of them are free with ads, they will definitely help you with that question at the doctor when you can’t remember your last period, and if you are interested in using ovulation as part of your birth control method or trying to get pregnant, they help with that too! It will change your life. Trust me.
Once you’ve wrapped your head around how your particular cycle operates and you think you have a grasp on that time frame that makes you wanna get it on more than any other, the next step is how you apply that knowledge. For me, I noticed that I was far more likely to be excited about going on first dates and even had a better attitude looking at dating apps when I was in the high testosterone and estrogen phase, and that’s actually a way bigger deal than you might think. First impressions and those first few dates sometimes live in a bubble of excitement and sometimes live in a flatland of dullness, and hormones may be a contributing factor. Go figure! Science!
Let’s say I’ve been chatting with a few people and I know I’m interested enough to take it to the next step with a video date or meeting up for date one, but suddenly, I feel like I’ve lost enthusiasm for making it happen. I look at my hormone cycle on my app and I see, oh yeahhhh, this makes sense, I’m probably heading into PMS zone and testosterone and estrogen are dropping. Yay science! Instead of forcing myself into a situation where I’m not feeling frisky, I might take the time to schedule something a little further out or at least give myself the knowledge that I might need some more patience to feel it out.
When you’re feeling great and estrogen and testosterone are at their highest — go on those first dates. Why not give you and your date the highest chance of having a great time? It might also be fun to think about how this timing affects getting physically intimate with someone and how it might be beneficial to do during one week or another. I remember a gal pal telling me once how confused she was at a recent sexual experience saying, yeah, I don’t know what happened, I just couldn’t get enough wetness going but I really like him… my first thought — hormones!! Your ability to get excited quickly and even feel deeper feelings of satisfaction in bed may be affected by this completely. Lube is there for a reason, but give yourself a break. Try again when you’re at a better time in your cycle. Just because a woman is not on her period doesn’t mean she’s always ready to go.
To be fair, if you’re not feeling it at all, it might be the person. In fact, that might be the case more often than not, who knows. Finding a great match is not statistically going to happen all that often. Life happens and there is way more than just hormones involved with attraction. But I think it’s a good practice to at least consider where you’re at in your hormone cycle if you’re feeling a bit meh unexpectedly or irritated with the date for small reasons. Even couples that love each other dearly have low hormone moments where there is disinterest and irritation. Especially with the dating app generation and especially with older daters, we are in an instant gratification world of needing to feel closeness and attraction and all the good things now or it’s a no go. We make very fast decisions on people and rarely give dates much time to grow on us or experience people through different moods. For me, if there’s initial attraction, that means seeing how I feel when the chips are down and when flirt is in the air.
Now, there’s a huge caveat here. Birth control. (Such a funny category name, like, controlling births, are you kidding me?) Hormonal birth controls are amazing miracles of modern science that have dramatically impacted women’s ability to have some control over their bodies with pregnancy, stabilize their out of whack hormones if they need help, and allow families to plan effectively. They also can mess with your natural hormone cycle. Take that to heart and include that in your grace for yourself when you are considering your emotions, mood fluctuations, attraction levels and ability to get excited. There are huge advantages to birth control, but if the hormone disruption is too much, ask your doctor about non-hormonal methods. I personally have a copper IUD and one of the reasons I love it, is that it helped me maintain my natural hormone cycles. While we’re on the subject of doctors — I am not one. Make sure you consult your doctor or therapist if you feel any of this information is causing you to have a wonder about yourself and you need serious medical advice.
Lastly… what about the men? Do men have hormone cycles? Short answer… yes, kind of. The science isn’t nearly as hard and it’s nothing like a menstrual cycle, but you can explore all about that if it’s of interest to you, the internet is your oyster. The more research we have on hormones all around, the better.
Having a scientific reason to point to for moods can be incredibly stabilizing. Next time you’re thinking, why don’t I feel like going on this date? Why was I less turned last night when we were smooching? Why do I have such negativity looking at dating apps right now? Remember to take a look at where you are in your cycle to see if that might be shaping any of those moods… and then give yourself the grace of that knowledge. The same applies to the other side of it. Next time you’re wondering, how did I just have the best orgasm of my life? Why do I feel like making out with everyone I see right now? How come I’m getting turned on riding in a car with tight jeans and that person’s ear looks sexy? That’s your hormones talkin’ baby, yeah!
Give in, get your date on and celebrate that sweet, high hormonal time. Let your partner know and communicate regularly about what time of the month it is — not just for PMS, but for the sexy stuff too! Plan your date nights and vacations around it, make the most of it and then you can also plan for personal time during irritable or duller phases. Let the hormone science be your guide, go forth, and date!
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