Fostering Resiliency in Dating — A Loving Tirade
Put on your dating resiliency armor and live your next story
Search Instagram or Twitter for dating-themed profiles and the majority of what you’ll find is folks disappointed in online dating, making fun of the fails. It’s exhilarating and trendy — point to all the losers out there who have no clue what they’re doing and revel in the despondency of your plight. Isn’t this so awful? Can you believe what they just messaged me?! Block, cancel, shut it down. Have a good laugh while you’re at it. #SingleLifeSucks.
Okay, truth. Some of it is really, really funny. I do this venting in my private time with my friends too. Sometimes, you get messages or profiles that are too good to be true. I love when I get stalker-like messages from people with terrible photos and profiles and I’m like — have you ever read anything about dating profiles, c’moooooon. It feels impossible that folks are still making the exact same mistakes as 2012 when I first got online . . . almost ten years ago. C’MON.
But that’s all it is for me. A surface-level laugh. I don’t let it get any deeper than that. Ignore and move on. Get to the good stuff.
At some point, you have to learn to filter the noise and make it real. Over the years I’ve learned to be resilient in dating and it’s served me well. I think there’s a fine line between despair and a random bad day, and if you can keep your chin up, you’ll learn how to walk that line.
Practice empathy.
Without getting too hippie-dippy about it all, remember that people are fallible, we’ve all had days where we sent a message that landed wrong, and that whole saying of “there’s someone for everyone” means that there are a lot of no ones for you as well. Love people for existing and let them go along their merry way if they aren’t for you. Some girl is gonna love that weird sex joke and some guy is gonna dig that reference to Taylor Swift. There will be more folks that aren’t a good fit than there are perfect matches. That’s life. We’re all weirdos in different ways.
Try to look at the person from the perspective of not only if they would be a match for you, but who would be good for them? What kind of partner would make their life shine? Most of the time, it’s not going to be you, no matter how much you might want it to be. Accepting compatibility incongruity and loving people for just who they are is a key to resiliency. It’s also a great way to keep your ego in check and remember that dates aren’t there to just serve you — it takes two, in agreement.
Practice patience.
Patience is not just about finding good matches but about having patience with yourself. I’ve written about how much a woman’s cycle can affect her interest but there’s also that grace you need to have with the availability of your heart to open. Work stress, family drama or health concerns can all play a factor so sometimes dating needs to take a back seat or cool down. That’s okay. Take a break. Eat a pie. Come back when you’re ready.
When it comes to the apps, I have a rule. If you’re unsure about how you feel about something, give it three days. I can usually come to a better peace with myself about the decision I’m moving forward with after three days. Sometimes it’s the difference between giving something more time or ending it. Sometimes it’s about responding to a person I’m unsure about. In any case, if I know I didn’t rush out of desperation, I can accept what happens and know I gave it some thought.
Patience is also a matter of knowing that new people join dating apps every friggin’ day. It’s not a finite pool of people and if the app is feeling stale, it might be time to try a new one. Forcing connections with people you aren’t excited about is probably not going to be all that fun. Resiliency means knowing that it’s not a panicked rush. Patience, grasshopper. Good connections may take time. Plus, new trends pop up all the time and some of them are kinda cool.
Practice listening.
Indulging in listening is a huge part of my bounce back strategy. It’s about knowledge and growth. I like listening to others talk about their stories of love, dating, marriage, breakups, death and whirlwind romance. I like listening to shows about dating and watching all the latest stuff that sparks thoughts about connection. I like listening to my friends and family tell their stories about dating and love. Plus, it can feel really good to listen to things that match your mood and what you’re going through. Put on that Celine Dion song, it’s okay. Surrender to the power of love, it can move mountains, your heart will go on and that’s the way it is! (Hoping someone did the air hand grab while reading that.)
Listening and asking questions on dates, in particular, enriches your knowledge of how people operate and what motivates them. If you allow yourself to open those ear holes, you’re going to be a helluva great date, and instead of feeling stuck in the “why me” mode, you’ll be in “look at you!” mode. If a friend goes on a date and they learn nothing more than what they hate about a person, that says a lot to me. Listen . . . Listen more. And then lean in, and really hear it.
Practice sharing.
This is so important. Dating can be tough. Hilarious. Thrilling. Heartbreaking. Boring. It’s all the things. Talk to someone about it that is along for the ride with you (some folks choose a million people on Twitter, but that’s pretty extreme). Don’t share with folks who are toxic to your experience or bring up things beyond your comfort level (discretion can be important for your new partner as well), but allow yourself to be open and candid about your experiences if you need to talk it out so you have an outlet for processing. Strangely, this translates to confidence, and over time will turn you into a date master. I would not survive if I couldn’t talk about it.
Phew, glad I got all that out actually. Ready to get back out there? Put on your dating resiliency armor and live your next story — someone can’t wait to hear about it.
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